The Emperor had all the qualifications for a corpse except, as it were, the most vital one. -- (Terry Pratchett, Interesting Times)
September 2002
Friday,September 20,2002

I woke up in the middle of the night and immediately thought of Jen. So I went online and looked for her but she wasn't there. I went back to sleep and managed to get some more sleep and was very happy to find her online when I tried next. We spoke for a few minutes and then I got offline promising to talk to her again when I got to work. I was a bit later than normal in getting to work since today's a holiday and by that time she was probably at her TV watching ER :-) While I was waiting, I began doing something that I didn't tell her about - I deleted all the accumulated porn off my computer :p I had quite a bit gathered from all the e-mails people forward in the office as well as stuff that I downloaded off eDonkey or stuff I'd gotten from Robin. I deleted it all :-)

When she finally came back on her computer, we began talking and basically never stopped. I can't recall all that we talked and most of the time, I'd be simply typing away while gazing at her web cam image and would often not even get the spelling right :p I just love seeing her face, her smile, the way she looks up at the camera that shows her neck ... We talked about our individual favorites - food, fruit, movies, actor, actress etc. We also talked about the visa I needed to get back and she was (as is usual for her :p) determined to find out all about it and let me know ...

Throughout our conversation, she kept on trying to send me this AVI movie of hers because she wanted to give me a treat :-) I loved her for being so single-minded and wanting to do it but she didn't seem to realize how much more of a treat (and a turn on, actually :p) it was to have her online and talk to me - just me. She also began teasing me by suddenly showing me her breasts or by playing with them or doing something similar and I don't think she has any idea how much she made me want her at those moments. Not that I didn't want her normally but at least I knew I'd see her sooner or later but when she teased me it was as if I'd like to reach through the monitor and grab a hold of her then and there ...

She seemed sad as we said good night and she prepared to go to bed. There was this look in her eyes which just tore at my heart. I wanted to reach out, hold her close to me and tell her that everything was going to be all right but of course, all I could do was tell her not to worry. I watched her wrap herself up in the blanket, fall asleep and then left after a bit to return home ...
written at 05:09:34 PM by Fahim Farook

Thursday,September 19,2002

Chatted with Jen again in the morning but she didn't seem to recall our conversation of yesterday or to feel as if anything had changed between us. To me it seemed as if we were back to the user-developer relationship and I wasn't sure what had happened. I didn't want to be too pushy and so decided to let her take her own time about it. But when she still hadn't said anything around noon and was preparing to go to bed, I couldn't bear it any longer and I asked her about us. We then got to discussing things seriously and to even asking each other questions about stuff we didn't know about each other. As the conversation progressed, it was more and more evident that we thought the same way about a lot of things. She seemed to warm up a lot more towards me and we both seemed to agree that there was something between us and that we should try to get together to see where it would lead.

Then she floored me with a post on her journal where she said that she was in love :-) I had not wanted to say anything about love to her because to me it seemed a bit premature and also a bit strange to say that I loved her after really talking to her only for a few days. I thought she'd be stunned if I did something like that but she stunned me in turn by doing so :-) The more we talked, the more closer to her I felt and I felt so happy that I felt as if my heart couldn't be contained in my body. We talked on till she had to go to bed and I kept watch on her via webcam while she slept.

Each time she'd move in her sleep or even when I looked at her still form wrapped in a blanket, I'd feel such a rush of overwhelming love for her that I wasn't sure that I could handle it. Everything seems to have moved so quickly all of a sudden and yet it seems to have a feeling of rightness about it. I've searched for my soul-mate for such a long time and while there have been times that I thought I'd found the right person, I was proved wrong. This time however, I believe that I'm not mistaken - she's such a adorable person and above all there is that honesty of hers ... I've never met anybody who was so forthright about everything ... I believe this is the one :-)
written at 06:54:44 PM by Fahim Farook

Wednesday,September 18,2002

I was so impatient to see Jen that I logged on from home and chatted with her for a while. Of course, I hadn't been sleeping too well for the last few days and so had been getting up early as well - so I had the time to talk to her. I told her that I had the old posts for her and rushed to work as soon as I could. She was overjoyed when the posts were recovered and I felt so happy seeing her happiness. One thing that stays with me is that she made a post in her journal about a guy at the gas station asking for her number and she wrote that she might hook up with him. This made me extremely jealous but I realized that I was being unreasonable - Jen didn't know how I felt about her and even if she did, why would she have any hope of a relationship between us when she was over there and I am here in Sri Lanka?

But we did talk a lot through the day and even flirted a bit - or was it flirtation? I'm not sure what to call it. Jen's such a wonderful and spontaneous girl :-) She'd suddenly stand up and pull up her sweatshirt and she'd not be wearing anything underneath :p I don't know if she fully realized the effect she has on me or not thoug... Sometime along the way she asked me to come over there and be with her and I told her that I would. We both professed how much we liked the other. We talked of getting together and doing stuff together and we talked on for a long time. I was overjoyed at the fact that Jen seemed to feel the same way as I did and had a better evening thinking about seeing her tomorrow ...
written at 06:48:55 PM by Fahim Farook

Tuesday,September 17,2002

Jen told me today that her Blog installation was messed up and I tried to help her out but only ended up with a messed up installation and no backup since I'd been cocky enough to think that we wouldn't need a backup. I felt terrible since she couldn't Blog and thought that she must think I must be a total git to screw things up so totally for her. I tried to to help her out by getting her to install VNC and accessing her machine remotely but I had the distinct impression that she wasn't very comfortable with me in her machine. Finally, she got so disgusted that she said that she was giving up on Blog and I felt devastated. I began to think that I wouldn't see her so much in the future and I just couldn't bear the thought! I asked her to give Blog one more try and she agreed and I told her I'd recover her lost posts somehow. So I spent the afternoon working on a new program to merge in the old posts from her archives and then spent some time re-entering all her old posts. I couldn't wait to see her reaction when she got her posts back...

I'd been thinking about going back to the US for a while now and I began to think of the possibility of going to the US and actually meeting Jen. Of course, there were other reasons for going but this seemed to be the final push that I needed to get going and I wrote to Mark at ACN asking him whether they'd consider taking me back since I was thinking of returning to the US.
written at 06:41:44 PM by Fahim Farook

Monday,September 16,2002
I saw Jen online again but our conversations were a lot more business-like. We talked about her computer problems and stuff but didn't reach the same level of warmth as we'd had yesterday. I was convinced that she didn't feel the same way as I did about her but still couldn't get her out of my mind and again went home and got through a torturous evening waiting for tomorrow.
written at 06:38:39 PM by Fahim Farook

Sunday,September 15,2002
I went in to work today because I had nothing better to do. Jen was online and I began talking to her. At first it was mostly about computer problems that they had but then we started talking about other stuff and joking with each other. The more we talked, the more I began to like her. I enjoyed talking to Jen so much that I was reluctant to leave and was there till about 4 o'clock with no lunch <g> and it must have been close to 6:00 am at her end. She finally went to bed and I left work but I just couldn't stop thinking about her the whole evening. I felt that we seemed to have a strange bond beyond a simple user-developer relationship but wasn't sure that she felt the same way though. I had to force myself to get through the evening and I went to bed as soon as I could because I knew I'd see her online tomorrow when I got to work.
written at 06:33:47 PM by Fahim Farook

Posted at:Friday,September 20,2002 07:06:17 PM